You have sex, and they stop calling.
Why is it that men lose interest after sex? It happens all the time. But what if I told you that it’s not you, it’s hormones! There are biological reasons that men lose interest and they are mostly based on hormonal responses. I’m here to help you understand what those are, plus how to keep them interested regardless of when you do the deed.
It’s human nature.
Men are wired to lose interest after sex.
Ladies: it’s not really their fault—men are biologically wired to develop attraction instantly through physical appearance. But for emotions to develop it takes far more time for men to become invested.
Our dating culture (and our world) is all about instant gratification. We hate to wait for anything! We want our meals now, we want our media now, and when we feel like having sex, we want that now too!
This culture of impatience can lead to doing it really soon after meeting someone, if not on date #1. The world of online apps also lends itself to a lot of innuendo and sexual flirtation (not to mention the sexting and pics) before you even meet!
Here’s the thing – Being DTF is totally fine. But if it’s a romantic partnership you seek usually one or two-night stand will not lead to true love. Having sex right away does not guarantee that things will immediately fizzle, but it definitely happens more often than not.
Hormones in play.
When it comes to men, hormones play a huge role in love dating and mating. There are three hormones men need to fall in love: Testosterone, dopamine, and vasopressin.
Here’s what each does for fellas:
Testosterone helps men to feel manly. It boosts their sex drive.
Dopamine contributes to that excited feeling that happens when we crave something. It’s the hormone that gets the reward center going. You know it by that high when you take a bit of the most decadent cake you’ve ever had, or that rush you get as you’re closing in on a first kiss.
Vasopressin helps men hold interest. According to the Harvard Neuroscience Institute, it’s the hormone “linked to behavior that produces long-term, monogamous relationships.“
How hormones make him pull away.
Much of human behavior is influenced by hormones.
When a man is having sex his testosterone goes up. Immediately after orgasm, his T (testosterone) levels go back to normal. That increase really makes him feel like a manly! But once things go back to normal it’s not as exciting for his man brain. Oxytocin increases, which has the effect of lowering testosterone. And when a man’s testosterone levels decrease, he feels less like a man. He feels the need to pull away and may even lose interest for a while.
But that’s not to say his testosterone stays even for all that long. And if it’s the right point in a relationship, oxytocin can contribute to feelings of love through continued human contact.
When the chemistry is hot he’ll have more dopamine and he’ll want you like another piece of that chocolate cake. But after he eats that cake, he is satisfied and his brain tells him ‘hey, you’ve had your cake. You’re good! Move on.”
But if a man has an emotional interest as well, his dopamine drive will stay intact and he’ll seek more of the good stuff aka you.
Vasopressin helps him hold the interest of a woman and increases when he’s sexually excited but hella decreases after he orgasms
Here’s the thing: physical attraction is easy. But if there is no bonding the sexual chemistry will fizzle out.
So what…just don’t have sex?
Not completely. But, my advice? Wait.
Delaying sex with a man causes his vasopressin levels to increase. He is going to seek more situations that give him a dopamine rush. And he’ll feel wanted and manly #testosterone. When all those hormones are firing for long enough, they can cause a man to fall in love!
This is because a man has emotionally fallen for a woman.
If a guy is into someone emotionally and mentally and spiritually he will stick around
If he isn’t feeling a connection or feeling inadequate he will bounce
In her book ‘Men Chase, Women Choose’ Dawn Maslar explains that “Delaying sex with a man causes his vasopressin to increase and stay up long enough for the receptors to be built and then filled. Once this happens for a long enough span of time it can cause him to fall in love.”
I tried it out for myself.
I once dated a guy and we established early on that we weren’t going to have sex for a while. I proposed it, he agreed. We had a kissing only rule!
It was wild! We talked, went to concerts, got to know so much about each other, had crazy makeout sessions and wow our sexual chemistry was crazy! Putting off having sex gave us time to really get to know each other.
Here’s the thing. I kept his interest and the emotional bond came naturally. Then, one day I realized he was REALLY into me. He was texting me all the time and spending all his time off with me. I knew it was time. Here’s the best part…when we actually had sex, it was fantastic!
Get emotionally naked before you get really naked
Putting off having sex gave us time to connect and truly get to know each other. We learned about our favorite foods, our dreams, fears, passions, significant life events, heartbreaks and more.
I kept his interest by making him invest time while I invested too. We BOTH had to work. This wasn’t a one-sided endeavor. I also had to keep his interest. This meant texts back, flirting and showing affection. Remember that dopamine, testosterone, and vasopressin we talked about before? Those hormones were working in both of our favors while they built up and made him feel excited and curious about what we could be as a romantic couple.
Through all of our sex-free time together I made sure that he knew when the time was right it was totally going to be worth it.
Instead of putting out, put IN to the relationsihip.
Hopefully you now see why waiting to have sex majorly outweighs jumping into bed right away. Some final tips before I signoff:
°If a man thinks a woman is cool AF and wants to sleep with her that’s a magic recipe. The only way this happens is with time together.
°Keep him in pursuit mode. In the work that I do, I teach about the 5 Ps in a relationship and one of them is PURSUE – Biologically speaking men are hunters and they don’t respond well by being chased. They’re driven by testosterone and dopamine. Men NEED to pursue women.
°Keep him hungry! For life, love, sex. Men want to work and feel a sense of accomplishment. They work hard to get money, then value that money. They lift hard to see muscle and value those gains. They put time into you and—you guessed it—they value you. Keep them interested so they picture you in their goals and accomplishments and as a part of their lives.
If you like a guy and want him in your life…wait.